I honestly didn’t think I was stressed out. I didn’t feel exactly relaxed, but I really felt like I had a handle on exam prep and all the other crap going on. Then, on Tuesday morning, I snapped. I did something incomprehensible, out of character, and unforgivable. I lost my temper, I was an idiot, and I was cruel. I don’t really want to talk about it, because it makes me sick at myself, but it’s eating me up.
I will preface this by saying that I am not a Harry Potter nut, but for some reason the best analogy that comes to mind is to say that I used the Cruciatus Curse. People who know me have said that they know I wouldn’t have done what I did if I wasn’t under so much pressure, and that is true, but it is not an excuse. I am so ashamed.
So I’ve been torturing myself for three days now and I know I will always think of myself differently because of what I did. I feel like I let a monster out. I need to get past this and focus on three more days of study. But it’s on my mind, as it should be. I can’t undo it, and I can’t take it back, and I can’t make it better.
Interesting what this year has brought out in me. Not sure I like it. Should have stuck to partying too hard… No, I don’t mean that. I obviously still have some growing up to do and some core life skills to master. Disappointing, really.