Unforgivable Curse

I honestly didn’t think I was stressed out.  I didn’t feel exactly relaxed, but I really felt like I had a handle on exam prep and all the other crap going on.  Then, on Tuesday morning, I snapped.  I did something incomprehensible, out of character, and unforgivable.  I lost my temper, I was an idiot, and I was cruel.  I don’t really want to talk about it, because it makes me sick at myself, but it’s eating me up.

I will preface this by saying that I am not a Harry Potter nut, but for some reason the best analogy that comes to mind is to say that I used the Cruciatus Curse.  People who know me have said that they know I wouldn’t have done what I did if I wasn’t under so much pressure, and that is true, but it is not an excuse.  I am so ashamed.

So I’ve been torturing myself for three days now and I know I will always think of myself differently because of what I did.  I feel like I let a monster out.  I need to get past this and focus on three more days of study.  But it’s on my mind, as it should be.  I can’t undo it, and I can’t take it back, and I can’t make it better.

Interesting what this year has brought out in me.  Not sure I like it.  Should have stuck to partying too hard… No, I don’t mean that.  I obviously still have some growing up to do and some core life skills to master.  Disappointing, really.

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1 Comment

Filed under Med School, Uncategorized

One response to “Unforgivable Curse

  1. selenocentric

    You may not like what has happened, and I do understand but you have grown from this experience. I too have been needlessly cruel in a time of stress and pain, and have been ashamed by my behavior. But it has taught me to take a breath before responding. You’ll get through this, and you will be forgiven. *hugs*

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